The Self-Talk Secret: How to Motivate and Support Yourself First

Few things are more important than surrounding yourself with individuals who have your back when things go bad or who celebrate your triumphs. These motivators help you get back up after being knocked down, point out all the wonderful things you’ve accomplished when you didn’t think you could, and keep your sights set on reaching your goals. But, no matter how many external motivators you have in your life, you will eventually be alone—just you and your thoughts. What happens next?

Every loss, disappointment, or setback in life has the potential to bring you to your knees. They also have the ability to rebuild you stronger, wiser, and smarter than before. It’s not so much the event as it is how you handle it inwardly. It is, specifically, how you speak to yourself when no one else is there.

Here are five areas to focus on to improve your self-talk and giving yourself the inspiration and perseverance you need whenever you need it.

1. Listen in on your thoughts

Before you can enhance your self-talk, you must first determine what is currently being said in your mind. We’re all constantly talking to ourselves, but much of it is unconscious—recycled or repetitive information we’ve told ourselves year after year. For a time, listen in on your own thoughts. Don’t try to change the subject just yet; let it play out as if you were sitting on a park seat watching the pigeons. Any desired change requires awareness.

2. Remove any old tapes.

Now, when you listen more closely and distinguish the various voices, words, and beliefs, trace them back to their source. Many of the words or emotions you’ll probably recognize as belonging to your parents, friends, old instructors, mentors, or former adversaries. Without your permission, these voices and individuals have taken up residence in your mind (and often without your knowledge). It’s time to start kicking some of these voices out. You don’t have to keep repeating Uncle John’s jabs about your potential. You also don’t need your family’s anxieties to be imposed on you and hold you back.

Now is your chance. You are not the person of your history; you are not a Russian doll in a stack of Russian dolls compelled to carry the concerns and uncertainties of your family with you. You are your own person, with your own set of abilities, ambitions, and dreams. Make a claim on your unique adventure.

3. Get to know your feelings.

As you listen, you may notice that the continual white noise of conversation begins to differentiate, and you may hear numerous voices of fear, rage, envy, doubt, or other underlying emotions. It’s not always simple to acknowledge that all of these feelings are ours, but emotions are what make us human. If correctly channeled, they can fulfill their actual purpose as messengers, assisting us in becoming stronger, wiser, and even showing us the way forward.

Here are some examples of ways you could begin conversing with your emotions:

“I understand your fears, Fear, but this is beneficial to our development.” “Strap in.”

“Thank you, Envy, for showing me what I really want.” “I’m going after it now.”

“I know your last speech didn’t go down well, Guilt, but we’re better prepared this time.”

4. Speak to yourself as you would to others.

What is your first reaction when you send an email but shortly discover you forgot to attach an attachment? Do you punish yourself for it, or do you laugh it off, admitting your mistake and moving on? Furthermore, how long do you repeat or rehash errors or stumbles in your mind?

You’re probably harsher on yourself than you would be on anyone else. Consider the difference in how you speak to yourself when you make a mistake and how you speak to others when they make similar mistakes. Consider what you would say to another person in the same scenario. How would you motivate them? What could you say to persuade them to refocus? Then, work on giving yourself the same sensible advice packaged in compassion, patience, and understanding.

5. Practice speaking to yourself in the third person.

It’s time to start communicating now that you’ve cleared out your head and committed to being more kind to yourself. But—how?

Most of us speak to ourselves in “I” language. A study on self-talk, however, found that using the third person works best. Despite our best attempts, when we employ “I” language, it tends to be negative, according to this study. For example, we could say, “I’m not sure if I can do this.” When we speak in the third person, it seems more upbeat, as in, “Mary, you’ve done this a thousand times before, you’ve got it!”

We all need to be surrounded by folks who can help us get back up when we’re down. But the most important person in this process is you. Start listening in, clean out any old tapes, make friends with your emotions, and talk to yourself as you would anyone else—even in the third person! These minor adjustments may be all that is required to elevate good self-talk to the top of your motivational toolbox.

Have fun talking!